Big boys don’t cry or do they?
Big boys don’t cry is an old saying that I think probably most of us will have heard at some time or another. I am sure that there are some of us that have even said those words to a child we know or care for. But why? Why is that supposed to be true? Why do big boys don’t cry? Men and boys both have a feminine side to them, just as much as women have a masculine side. It is all yin/yang, but boys and men are ridiculed for showing that feminine side.
The way I see it is that for generations and generations a page of the script was handed down to boys as children that once they get to a certain age that they should not be showing their emotions. Big boys don’t cry because is shows a weakness maybe. Real men do not show their vulnerable side. Men are the strong ones. Real men are able to hold all that in and keep their shit together. Do you know what I have never heard so much crap in my entire life!
Handing a page like that down to man after man, boy after boy has caused so much damage over centuries. Where did this idea even originate that big boys and men should not cry or show that side of themselves? Is it because it was seen as “girlie” to cry, I have no idea. What I do know is that the page of the script is completely wrong. Ask most women and the ability for a man to cry and show emotions melts their hearts. I am not speaking for every woman here, but in my case men being able to cry means they are strong in my eyes.
I am mum to 3 sons, not an easy task over the years, but I am fairly confident I have not ever told them they should not cry! They might tell you different (I might have selective parenting memories!! 😊) In fact, if I am being honest, I wish a couple of them would cry more!! I am not sure if they don’t because their dad is not an emotional person or it has come from somewhere else.
Their dad, my husband has lots of pages of script when it comes to emotional release. His father had many pages too with regards to showing love or any kind of emotion. He was very much living in his script and could not deal with any kind of tears. So much so I have seen him walk away from his wife who was in tears over something. He did not hug her or try to comfort her, he walked away. I am guessing the script pages told him that big boys definitely do not cry nor do they deal with women crying either.
Can you see, how the script gets handed down generation by generation? Can you also see how we are not only script readers we are script creators when it comes to our own children? Unless we are aware of the script we unknowningly pass it down. We would not intentionally pass it to our children would we?
If you can do one thing then let your sons or any other big boy you know cry. In fact, actively encourage it. Tell them that it is acceptable, it makes them strong, it helps release emotions. It will make them feel better, it is “normal” for tears to flow. Crying does not make them girlie or soft, it makes them human. Tracey’s grandson was once told by our mentor and coach Liz Ivory that being sensitive was his strength, his superpower. How about we tell our male children and even adults this instead. Remember anything that tells you that this is not acceptable is the script.
Have the most amazing March, big boys do cry.
Love from Lynne xxx