Sometimes I feel shit and that’s ok. This sentence has become mine and Tracey’s mantra since we spent our weekend in Liverpool. We quote it at every given opportunity to anyone who will listen including ourselves! And there is a reason for that………….because it’s true and we are allowed to feel emotions.
I want to share with you a bit of a personal story from me this month. I have wrestled the last 3 weeks in trying to write this month’s blog and it has not flowed at all. Having sat down several times to write it and sat staring at my screen blankly for what seemed like hours. Or distracted myself with YouTube blackhead extractions! Yes I know, that is gross but I LOVE it! 😊😊 Upbeat writing just was not happening. So here is what has felt right to write and culminated yesterday, which had been brewing for a couple of weeks.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day (if that had escaped you at all!!) 😊. And in all honesty, I woke up feeling a bit meh! You know the kind of day, where you just can’t be arsed. Mother’s Day is a funny old day, often filled with much expectation placed on others. I have spent many a year in the past wanting it to be all sunshine and roses. But I live in a house of men, that was never going to happen. (apologies to all the men out there who do sunshine and roses!) Granted one of my sons did buy me chocolate and a card (unusual for him!). One messaged me and had a conversation with me (again unusual for him!). The 3rd one I heard nothing from at all (not unusual for him!) 😊
I was truly grateful for those interactions and gifts, it felt lovely and my son’s girlfriend topped it off by bringing me homemade cream tea (which I could eat!). But what I think did it for me finally yesterday was scrolling through endless social media posts. Posts from everyone saying how great their mum was, how much they loved them. I thought of all my friends, some of who are older than me and still have their mums. Feelings of sorrow washed over me and then the “shit mum” voice stood up, and would not shut the hell up!
The berating started repeatedly, “ Your kids don’t love you”, “ You were and still are a shit mum” “Why are you getting sad about your mum, she drove you mad when she was alive” Quickly followed by the “why does this stuff always happen to me” “its not fair that others still have their parents alive” “why do I always have to deal with this shit” And for the finale “FFS Lynne, stop feeling sorry for yourself, there are people much worse than you, get a grip!”
Wow, happy fucking Mother’s Day!! Halfway through the day, I was feeling pretty shit in all honesty. So I switched on the telly and vegetated the day watching anything I could. In my pyjamas, I did not even get dressed or clean my teeth! I allowed myself to sit and wallow in that self-pity for most of the day. Eating chocolate, my cream tea and anything else I wanted to. In the evening I thought about writing out how I was feeling, but I could not be arsed to do that. So on going to bed, my head then decided to run riot with the whole day! Only then did I give myself a moment to work through it and figure out where it was all coming from. Eventually, sleep prevailed thankfully.
Today, today is a different day. Today I got up and went for walk. Something I have not done in over 2 weeks. I listened to an audiobook (Paul Cope, relistening to it). I feel better today. Shit mum is quieter and keeping her mouth shut. Lynne feels like she is getting near the front today.
Yesterday’s lesson is “Sometimes I feel shit and that’s ok”.
Today has allowed the words to flow to write this for you folk. To show you that even though I know this stuff, I still feel like crap. I have days where my voices are really prominent and I struggle to battle them. We want you to know that sometimes I feel shit and that’s ok can be used by all of us. We are allowed to feel, we are allowed to sit with those feelings, they are only emotions.
Love and hugs
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